Or in my case, to the back of the shoe closet.

If you’re like most Americans, you’ve set some sort of goal for self-improvement, life style change, education or fiscal responsibility for the year ahead. Unfortunately, like most people, you will abandon your goal within a few weeks.

I admit it, like many of you, I have fallen into the habit of setting resolutions for myself year after year. But why do New Year’s resolutions fail far more often than they succeed? Here’s my humble opinion on the matter.

Resolutions Are Made For All The Wrong Reasons

As we were sitting in my kitchen the other day and indulging in a huge pan of my home made mac and cheese, my daughter said something that really resonated with me. She said that it always puzzles her as to why people pick January 1st to start their resolutions. “If you want to change something about yourself, you can do it at any point in the year” she insisted. My answer to her was why not January 1st? After all, it’s an arbitrary date that we can set which symbolizes a fresh start, a new beginning and, potentially, a new you. But does that imply that there was something wrong with the old you?

Society dictates that New Year’s resolutions are normal and even healthy. TV adds and social media posts run abundant with reduced gym membership fees, healthy meal plans and new fashion trends for the coming year. At holiday gatherings, we’re surrounded by friends who share their goals to loose weight, get more involved in charity work, be better listeners, spend more time with family, work less, make more money, travel more, spend less money and so on.

Of course, I don’t want to be left out. Be the only one who doesn’t have anything to contribute to the self-improvement conversation. I don’t want to give off the impression that I think I’m perfect. There has to be something about me that necessitates change. Isn’t there? I know, I’ll dig deep inside and find something that bothers me, something that needs improvement.

And so, I start thinking about everything I’m doing wrong or have done wrong in the past year. I replay situations where I feel I should have responded differently, volunteered for a project that would have challenged me, worked harder, spoken up more, said less, and so on. Negative traits are identified, and amplified until I feel inadequate and in desperate need of repair. Then, to add insult to injury, I turn on the TV where someone affirms my flaws and its game on.

As humans we make choices that may not always be the best, but isn’t that what makes us human? I’m a full believer in healthy self improvement. What I don’t believe in is changing something about yourself just because someone tells you to change. I also don’t believe in beating yourself up for choices that you made to the point where you feel that you are broken. Resolutions have a tendency to do that, and making yourself feel like a failure is not a great way to start a new year or any other day for that matter.

Resolutions are often contradictory

If I resolve to work less and travel more, that seems like a perfectly reasonable resolution on the surface. However, aren’t I actually setting myself up for failure? Some people might argue that, on the contrary, this means that you are planning to work less hours so that you have more time for travel. But what happens when you work less hours? For many people, that means that you’re earning less money. Unless you’re independently wealthy (if you are and happen to be male and single, please let me know…I have a lovely daughter), a reduction in income can put a serious damper in your travel plans.

So what happens the first time your friends plan a trip to Paris and invite you to join them? You want to go. You had planned on going. You have the time to go but no money to do so. Do you feel like you’ve succeeded? Probably not. In fact, I would venture a guess that you now feel as though you need to work more and save more money so that someday in the future you can travel. Another resolution just bit the dust.

Setting goals that are reasonable is, in my opinion, the key to making healthy changes. So what if the resolution to work less hours and travel more changes? What if instead, you resolve to work work more efficiently? Efficiency leads to streamlined work processes, which maybe then means that you no longer have to work overtime and are able to take more time off from work. Now you still have time to travel and, because you haven’t cut back on the number of hours you work, you have the money to do so. Suddenly, you’ve followed through on your resolution Now do you feel as though you have succeeded? I bet you do.

Resolutions focus on the goal rather than the process

A few years ago, I resolved to get in shape. I hired a personal trainer, bought cute workout clothes, hair ties and, of course, sneakers. I told everyone I knew that I was starting a new exercise routine in hopes that they would cheer me on and hold me accountable on those days when my enthusiasm waned. My goal was to head down to my home gym five days a week and be fit and tone by the time summer came around. It was going to be easy, I didn’t have to leave home to exercise which meant that I could get a workout in whenever I had a free hour on my hands. My kids are grown so I didn’t have the excuse of driving carpool, homework or extracurricular activities. I had a trainer who came up with a personalized plan just for me and made sure that I implemented it correctly. I was basically in decent physical shape so this wasn’t going to be a serious physical struggle for me. I was all set.

There was only one problem. I hate to work out. Really hate it. I hate being stuck in my basement. I hate the elliptical, rowing machine, stationary bike and all the weights that I have amassed over the years. And, my trainer, although a really nice guy, was quite frankly, boring. As a result, what was in my mind a clear path to success, resulted in what should have been a predictable failure.

Although at the time I was determined to end up looking like J Lo, by the time bathing suit season was upon us (a very reasonable goal in my mind…LOL). I wasn’t thinking about the journey of getting there. Yes, I had put the physical pieces in place by setting up a schedule, hiring a trainer, etc. What I didn’t do was to confront the reasons why my attempts to work out had failed in the past. Every time I had started a workout routine and failed, I blamed it on lack of time. I told myself that I was thin enough or that I was too young to have to worry about physical fitness. That would come later in life. I used every excuse in the book with the exception of admitting to myself that I hate to work out in my home gym.

When the Pandemic hit and we were on lock down, I discovered something about myself. As it turns out, I love to power walk. I love to be outdoors even on the coldest of days, I love the fact that a good walk clears my head or helps me get through a good audio book. Or, on days when I walk with a friend, it helps us to re-connect and catch up while also doing something healthy. I also love that walking is absolutely free and I can do it when I’m at home or traveling. No special equipment or training is required. Granted, this routine won’t get me six pack abs, but it will keep me fit and it’s a regimen that can grow and adapt with me as I age. Because I love the process of walking, reaching my goal of physical fitness suddenly became more attainable.

We overshoot when setting up resolutions

If you take my example above, I had vowed to work out five days a week. For many people that may not be an achievable goal. What, if you join a gym and plan to start going there the first Monday in January but it snows. As a result, you only manage to get there twice that first week. What if your child is sick and you have to stay home with them rather than work out? What if an emergency at work keeps you working extra hours and by the time you get off, the gym is closed. Does that mean that you failed? If your answer is yes, you’re not alone. People tend to set unreasonably high expectations when coming up with resolutions without building in contingency plans. Then, as soon as life get’s in the way, as is usually the case, instead of pivoting, we abandon our goals altogether.

But what if you set a goal of working out 2-3 times per week? Then you build in a contingency plan of going to the gym on the weekend on those occasions when you can’t get there during the week. If it snows on Monday, your street may be clear by Saturday. If your kid is sick, your spouse may be around on the weekend to help watch her while you take an hour or two for yourself. Your resolution suddenly becomes more achievable and if you actually follow through on it, you’ve succeeded.

Instead of being disappointed in yourself, maybe now you feel proud. That sense of pride then helps you to want to head to the gym more often and before you know it, you’re there 3-4 times a week. Then maybe you increase that to 5 times per week. And, on those occasions when you have to cut back and maybe hit the gym 2-3 times in a given week, you’re still meeting your initial goal which is a sign of anything but failure. So you see, baby steps help us reach our goals faster than giant leaps.

We don’t give ourselves permission to succeed

Lastly, this may be terribly old fashioned, but I believe that many of us, and women in particular, have been conditioned to feel that we’re being selfish when we make time for ourselves and our goals. Whether it’s advancing our education, preparing healthy meals that you enjoy even if the rest of the family won’t eat them, taking the time to read books or spending time with our girlfriends. Guilt often sets in when engaging in any form of self-care.

This observation comes from my own experience. I tend to fall of the self-care wagon as soon as something goes wrong. One of my kids is upset because she doesn’t like her job and I eat cookies for lunch instead of the salad that I had planned to make. A family member gets sick and I opt to make them soup rather than going for a walk even though the soup would taste just as good if I were to make it an hour later. I can find a million other examples where I put myself on the back burner as soon as someone else needs what I deem to be assistance from me. I tend to forget that taking care of myself actually makes me stronger and more capable of helping others. I don’t give myself permission to do what makes me happy. Until this thought process changes, for me, personally, the path to achieving certain resolutions remains blocked.

Where do you stand on New Year’s resolutions? Yay or Nay?

Share your thoughts with me and, as always, thank you for stopping by.